the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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