I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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