Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
