3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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