Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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