I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
