Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
