New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
