OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
