So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
