i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
should my penis look like a turkey
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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