It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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