I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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