dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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