i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
