i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
