I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
