I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
