Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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