Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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