You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
did i walk over a car last night?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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