only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
