My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
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