when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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