And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
