I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Randomize
