My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
