we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
