I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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