You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
