My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
