Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
