I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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