I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
