i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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