if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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