found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
