There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
