toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize