Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
