I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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