Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
