You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
