i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
sex in a hospital.. check
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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