just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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