my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
