genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Who died my cat blue again?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize