i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
