Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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