you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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