I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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