I have demons in me.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
