They should really pass out barf bags in church
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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