i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
