life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
