Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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