____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
