Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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