Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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